Chapter Five

Then, mid-way through my last conversation with my mentor Brother Francis, I was hit by something I'll never forget. It was like I'd taken a new drug and felt paralysed and unable to speak. It lasted about a minute.

Francis blessed me (click HERE for text of the blessing) and we went outside and I chain-smoked a pack of cigarettes, deeply moved by what had just happened.

And that was it. That was my call. That was my answer. It existed. There was something in it. It wasn't just grown-ups dressing up. Or something to do on a Sunday before the pubs opened.

I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't willing it to happen nor was I expecting it to happen, but it did.

It was real. And I felt that for the first time in my life. And without realising it, I had worked very hard at making myself receptive to it, if there was anything there in the first place to be receptive for.

I'd made myself spiritually open to offers.

And I went home. Away from Worth with this gift. And it's a gift that I carry with me today, and explore at my own pace on my own terms. Because I'm never going to carry a tambourine or wear a habit. But I was put in touch with a spirituality deep inside me which has given me the energy and inclination to strive for so much more in my life and appreciate what's important and be a better person and lead a better life.

My general world view has changed.

It's created problems. I know myself better. I know when I'm doing wrong whereas before I was oblivious. So I have to forgive myself and accept myself, which I do by asking for forgiveness and acceptance from God.

I don't go to Church services. I go to Church on my own, without anyone knowing, because I'm not yet at the point where I'm comfortable to hold aloft a flag emblazoned with the word 'CHRISTIAN'.

But I think personally, religion is a gradual and constantly evolving process and when I'm ready - 'if' I become ready - I'll move it up a gear at my own pace.

Worth changed my life.

God exists.

My god exists, anyway. And as Brother Francis said to me that night, 'Never try and explain away the mystery of God.'

THE END